When A Client Says – “It’s So Unfair!”

Radical acceptance is not easy. Getting hit by a drunk driver is not fair. Mental illness is not fair. Experiencing trauma is not fair. But only our clients can solve the problems that result.


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Clients come to me with mental illness or a history of trauma. Most of my clients have both.  New clients often will say “it’s so unfair.”  What they really are saying is “I shouldn’t have to deal with this.  I don’t want to be here.  Why me?  Why now?”  My response is always the same.  “You may not have caused the problem but you are the only one who can solve it.”

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Splitting in People with BPD

A client told me that splitting allows her to divide people and the world into good and bad, making them easier to understand.

What Splitting Is

“No one has ever understood me the way you do. Past therapists have just sat there, taken my money, and basically fallen asleep while I’m talking. You’re the only one who has ever listened to me at all.”

Many therapists have heard this before. People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may have a hard time seeing gray areas and, as a result, resort to a defense mechanism known as splitting. Splitting can also be identified when a person with BPD interprets people, thoughts, emotions, and situations as black or white, all or nothing, wonderful or evil. Continue reading “Splitting in People with BPD”

Therapists Use Skills,Too

We use mindfulness throughout the day, especially to help us recognize if we’re being judgmental, and turning that instead into loving-kindness (we try to be good friends and parents, even if the ones we love drive us bananas!).

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DBT therapists constantly advise clients to USE SKILLS—I’m sure sometimes to the point of sounding like a broken record. Of course we do this because DBT is an evidence-based treatment that combines individual therapy with phone coaching and skills training groups to help people recognize and regulate their emotions, improve interpersonal relationships, and tolerate stressful situations. But really, DBT therapists recommend using skills because we use them ourselves—and they work!

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Choosing A Therapist

Our therapists all use evidence-based approaches. This means what we do in therapy is based on extensive research showing the approach achieves its goals with most individuals.

Not feeling too well todayFinding the “right” therapist to help you achieve your therapy goals can be tough. You deserve a therapist who fits your needs, someone competent with whom you feel comfortable.

If you’re reading this blog, you likely have an interest in St. Louis DBT, LLC. We’re glad you are here and hope you will take time to read our blogs and study our website. After you’ve gotten to know us a bit, we offer a free telephone consultation. We encourage you to make the most of it. The information below will help you use your time wisely.

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